Losing My Religion
by IronAmerica
Summary: Tom knows he can't forgive himself for his part in Danny's torture, even if Danny won't remember.


It's a new story! How is Neville supposed to forgive himself for what he's done?

Un-beta'ed, so quibble away.

- o – o -

Losing My Religion

It shouldn't surprise Tom when Bass, his longtime friend, gives him the position he's been angling for, for years. It doesn't, actually—he's finally earned it. Even if he screwed up the Matheson situation, he still got a Matheson. And a mother will do more for a child then a husband, he knows.

Except.

Except he realizes the implications of his new position. Neville is in charge of interrogations and intelligence now. That means he has to torture Danny, or at least oversee the torture the boy will go through. He knows Rachel will never break, even if Danny's life—or his sanity—is at stake. She's too proud, too stubborn… Rachel is too cold to protect her son; he knows because she's his mirror, if that mirror had a black heart and was colder than ice.

He chooses a guard to put on Danny's door that he knows he can trust. The guard is removed a few weeks later for becoming too friendly with the prisoner. Neville can't protest, or he'll risk what little power he has that he can use to protect the boy. He details one of the newer recruits to the unit to handle Danny's interrogations.

Bass kills the interrogator a week later when Neville discovers that the brat is passing information to the rebels. Neville is too busy cementing his position by extracting useless information from Danny any way he can to kill the interrogator himself. If he can get even _one_ thing from the boy he'd come to care about on that journey, he can use it as a bargaining chip to protect the boy.

The decisions about how Danny is to be treated are snatched out of his hands by the fourth week of Danny's imprisonment in Independence Hall. Major Neville goes back to handling the interrogations of high-ranking rebels and keeping the unit afloat in the political waters of the Monroe Republic. Sergeant Strausser takes over Danny's interrogations. It's the hardest thing Neville's ever had to do, but he convinces himself it's for the best and that the guilt gnawing away at his insides is because he's going to have to tell his beloved wife that he's lost some needed prestige at work.

Major Neville tries hard not to pay attention to the paperwork that crosses his desk regarding Danny after that. He ignores the descriptions of the injuries, because he's already seeing them in his nightmares, created from whispered gossip. The man signs the paperwork that allows Strausser to assign his own man to guard the door to Danny's room. He signs the paperwork that Monroe sets in front of him, authorizing the revocation of Danny's status as a guest of the Republic, turning him into a valuable prisoner instead of a hostage.

The former captain doesn't hear the screams that filter through his door when he works late at night, drinking and doing paperwork. Julia drags him home to sleep off the hangover during the day after he spends all night in his office. Bass jokes that he's becoming obsessed with his job, and that perhaps it's Julia who's the mistress now instead of Neville's work.

Neville takes up boxing again, beating out his frustrations at his inability to protect Danny on the bag. He stops after a few days, when the dull, rhythmic thumps against a canvas bag somehow change to the snap of delicate bones and a frightened, pained howl from a young man's throat. Julia makes him tea and sits up nights as Neville stares at the table, nightmares of what he's inflicted on Danny chasing themselves through his brain.

He's to blame for what he's done to Danny. He's to blame for what Strausser and his thugs are doing to Danny, because he can't control the animal who works for him. He's to blame for the guard on Danny's cell leaving at night, leaving the teen inside vulnerable to the men who bribed the guard away. (Neville celebrates the news that Danny's fought back against his tormentors enough that only the most dedicated and sadistic keep returning by taking his wife out to dinner. He bribes the guard away the next evening and feeds Danny some of the leftovers slowly, so the boy doesn't throw up. The absolute trust and love in those cornflower blue eyes make Neville begin to doubt his wish to become the head of his unit.)

Neville protests the collaring vehemently to Bass, behind closed doors. His friend has the poor kid being tortured already. Danny's breaking and he's got no way to fight back. They've taken his clothes and the interrogators humiliate him in front of Rachel by making Danny beg her for something to wear. They humiliate him by making him lick the mud off their boots in front of his mother. Do they need to treat him like a dog too?

Bass laughs in his face and tells him that it's just a good joke, and the kid will be fine. Neville swallows back the bile rising in his throat and leaves without permission. If he stays in the room with Monroe—no longer his friend, because Neville isn't sure he ever really knew the man—he'll kill him. And, unfortunately, Monroe is needed to keep anarchy from spreading.

The major does his best to protect Danny after that. He can't do much, but he can order Strausser to give the teen a breather. One day isn't much, but to Danny, that one day must seem like heaven. (Neville orders the guard away for a few hours and spends them in the cell, tending to as many injuries on Danny's broken, battered body as he can without being obvious, brings him food and water if he thinks he can get away with it. His heart clenches painfully when Danny can only manage a few tiny sips of water before becoming violently ill.)

Neville is too weary to protest when his men begin referring to Danny as "puppy". He doesn't even sigh when they begin to treat the young man like a dog—at least they're feeding Danny, giving him water. It's in dog bowls, and they humiliate him before allowing him near the bowls, but he's being fed. That's all Neville can ask for.

Julia doesn't ask why he sobs when he wakes up in the middle of the night anymore. Somehow, his wife knows what keeps him awake. Two months ago, she didn't know why he paced around their bedroom trying to figure out what medical supplies would be needed to fix Danny, were he able to kidnap the boy and take him somewhere safe. Now she knows, or at least suspects, the reason why.

Major Neville very rarely speaks to his underlings by the time winter makes itself known. He's sold his soul to the devil, traded it away for a promotion and an assignment he'd thought he had truly wanted for years… An assignment, he's discovered, that he would have gladly traded for the boy he has to torture. He hides his wince as Monroe grinds his boot into Danny's throat behind a mask of cold indifference. Monroe thinks Danny calls out for Neville because Danny can see the man through the one cornflower blue eye that isn't swollen shut. He doesn't like it, and he doesn't like that his dog speaks like he thinks he's human.

It takes eight times—eight times that Neville wished he could shoot Monroe for crushing his boot into a defenseless boy's throat—to train Danny properly. Danny barks, yips, and whines like a dog after that. Monroe's happy that Danny has given up fighting, and parades the boy in front of Rachel, laughing about how his dog will do whatever he's told to. (Neville resumes his nightly boxing routing, and it's Monroe's face he sees as he hits the bag.)

The terror that grips his heart when he sees a tiny figure curled up next to Independence Hall, half-buried in a snowdrift, isn't out of his concern for Danny. He's only worried about what will happen to his family if the boy dies. (Except that Danny's somehow become part of his family, and Major Neville knows he shouldn't let the boy in because that will harm him more than anything.) He wraps the boy in his thick winter coat, and tells Danny stories about the days before the blackout as he rubs the teen's chest, legs and arms to get circulation going again.

Neville has never been so grateful for being in charge of Intelligence and Interrogations. His office has a sofa and a fireplace with a thick hearth rug in front of it. Danny, naked body blue with cold, eyelashes dusted with powdery snow, coughs and slowly comes back to life in front of the fire, shivering and moaning in pain. Major Neville manages to convince the general that Danny needs to recover before he's put back in a drafty cell where he could die if he contracts pneumonia.

It isn't much, but Neville is so damn grateful when Monroe agrees. It takes four days before Danny's recovered enough to sit up and take a few sips of the hearty broth left over from a stew that Julia made on his own. When Monroe finds out, Danny is dragged back to his cell. Neville cleans up the area and stows away the book of fairy tales he'd read to Danny while the teen's fever made him cry out for mummy (not Rachel, Neville is grateful to hear), or daddy, or Charlie to come save him because he hurts so much.

Major Neville is tired of his work by December. It's his birthday when Julia tells him that she's remembered to get him a gift this year. He can't help but smile as he goes up the stairs to their bedroom. It's probably a book, or a new coat, but it's from Julia so he knows he'll love it.

That's when he sees Danny curled up in the center of his bed. The boy's curled up in a tiny ball, breathing lightly. He has a long, sleeveless blue shirt on that barely reaches to mid-thigh, and it's obvious Danny is cold. Neville reaches out a trembling hand to touch Danny's shoulder, not sure if the boy is real or merely a phantom. Danny's thick blond hair is gone, shaved away. (To prevent lice and dehumanize the captive, Neville's mind supplies helpfully.) Patchy blond fuzz is growing in, and there's a tiny, wispy fringe brushing across the boy's forehead. The dog collar Monroe personally placed around Danny's neck is gone. It's been replaced by a wide, padded band of supple black leather, which doesn't do much to hide the raw, red skin from the old metal one. Neville's heart constricts painfully when he sees the tag that reads "Property of Tom Neville".

How is he supposed to look after Danny, when he won't be able to protect the boy from Monroe? He couldn't before. And now that the boy is broken, vulnerable, helpless to defend himself even with words that cut like the sharpest knives, Neville doesn't know if he can. He can't forgive himself for the part he's played in Danny's torture.

How can he?

…he can't.

- o – o -

So, what did you think? Good? Bad? Think Neville's getting off too easy? Drop a line and let me know.

Surprisingly, tumblr isn't to blame for this one. Ihni is. Ihni sent me a link to a new preview called "Penalty or Promotion?" for Monday's episode. Thanks to Ihni, I must now retcon an entire 'verse. Hey, at least I found out now, right?


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